Batman

Name: Bruce Wayne
Category: Superhero, Hero, Human, Businessman, American, Crime Fighter
Age: Exact age unknown. Approximately mid 30s
Origin: Gotham City, USA
Habitat: Wayne Manor or Batcave, Gotham City, USA
General Description: Son of Thomas and Martha Wayne, Bruce witnessed his parents’ untimely deaths, when they were murdered by the young Jack Napier right before his eyes. After this tragedy he has spent many years studying martial arts and various scientific disciplines until he reached the very limits of human abilities and became known as Batman. He has no paranormal abilities of any sort and primarily relies on his intelligence, strength, and a wide variety of tools and weapons that he designed for himself with the assistance of his trusted servant Alfred. These tools and weapons include:
1) Batmobile – a bulletproof jet-engine vehicle, equipped with a remote control, shields, machine guns, and a variety of other gadgets and weapons.
2) Batwing – an aircraft equivalent of Batmobile
3) Utility Belt – a belt equipped with an endless supply of useful bat-objects, such as: Bat-Bolas, Bat-Grappling Hook, Bat-Smoke Grenades, etc. The sheer amount of these bat gadgets makes us suspect that somewhere in mainland China exists a secret bat-sweatshop where all of these objects are being manufactured.
Friends, Associates, and Sidekicks: Vicki Vale, Robin
Sworn Enemies: Joker
Special Powers: Batman is an expert in martial arts and a world renowned scientist. His ability to street fight while wearing the most rigid bullet-proof full-body armor suit remains an unexplained mystery.
Weapons of Choice: Bare hands and Bat-Weapons (In memory of his parents, Batman uses firearms only in the most extreme circumstances...)
Weaknesses: Like many other super-intelligent and super-powerful people Batman is almost completely incapable of taking care of himself in the most mundane settings and is rather helpless without his fatherly servant – Alfred Pennyworth. He’d probably die of constipation if Alfred didn’t remind him to go to the bathroom from time to time.
Hobbies: Reckless driving without any regard for safety of pedestrians or other drivers
Pet Peeves: Humor. As far as Batman is concerned, this grim world is no place for jokes. And he may be right.
Best Lines: - I'm Batman
Total Estimated Power Rating: 16
7 Intellect Points + 5 Base Physical Strength Points + 2 Weapon Points for a variety of Bat-weapons at his disposal + 1 Shock Point for the very scary bat costume (works well against the superstitious evildoers) + 1 Additional Point for Alfred’s scientific and investigatory assistance
Power Level: Although Bruce Wayne does not have any supernatural abilities do not let this fact fool you – Batman is one of the most powerful superheroes on this planet and he is to be treated with the utmost respect and a healthy dose of trepidation.
Identification: If you see a guy in a bat suit when you are not visiting Comicon, Dragoncon, or other geek gathering you are probably dealing with the real Batman. On the other hand, even at Comicon you might be dealing with the real Batman. Try kicking him in the balls. If you wake up in the hospital with severe body injuries – it was the real Batman.
How to Recruit: Use the extremely convenient Bat-Signal to summon this superhero. Available at Walmart near you.
Note: Please note that when referring to Walmart on this website we are not referring to the Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. We are of course talking about an entirely fictional Walmart, that is a product of our imagination and which coincidentally happens to have a name identical to the name of a real retail store chain. In fact we will start calling this imaginary place Wolmart, just to help you differentiate the two.
How to Stay on His Good Side: If you are living a criminal lifestyle, maybe it’s time to reconsider. Get a job at Wolmart and work till the wee hours for a miserable pay, just like Batman. Oh wait...
What to Look Out For: When visiting Wayne Manor keep in mind that the place is full of hidden cameras and microphones. So maybe you should try to hold it and enjoy the privacy of your own bathroom when you get home.
NOTE: We cannot guarantee that the bathrooms in your house are free from bat-cameras.
Additional Character Images:

Movies and Books Featuring the Character:
- Batman (1989)

The Dutch Businessman

Name: Unknown
Category: Villain, Sadist, Serial Killer
Age: Mid 50s
Origin: Netherlands
Habitat: An abandoned factory in Slovakia just outside Bratislava (Poricany)
General Description: A Dutch businessman who dreamt of becoming a surgeon, but failed at achieving his goal due to a physical disability. One of the members of the Elite Hunting Club – a sadistic organization run my Russian mafia, which supplies victims and quiet private torture chambers to its members. E-mail blatanikov@gang.rus to join. The prices vary – usually $5K for a Russian, $10K for a European, $25K for an American, $50K for an Asian girl... Print this post to receive a 10% discount on your first order.
Friends, Associates, and Sidekicks: Other members of the Elite Hunting Club
Sworn Enemies: Paxton
Special Powers: None
Weapons of Choice: Electric Drill, Scalpel
Weaknesses: Shaky hands, pathetic physical strength, poor eyesight, etc.
Hobbies: Torturing people
Pet Peeves: Being tortured
Best Lines:
1) I believe people have lost their relationship with food. They do not think: “This is something who gave its life so I wouldn’t go hungry.”
2) I like to have a connection with something that died for me. I appreciate it more.
3) No one is paying me. In fact, I'm the one paying them!
Total Estimated Power Rating: 6
4 Intellect Points + 2 Base Physical Strength Points
Danger Level: Low. The guy is a rather pathetic villain. He is rather weak unless some Russian gangsters are there to do all the dirty work, that includes bringing the victim to him, tying it up, and all. They are the ones you should be really afraid of.
Identification: Has a bloodhound tattoo on his arm. Refuses to use utensils when eating in order to have a connection with his food, or something of that sort. Shaky hands.
How to Avoid: Don’t travel to Eastern Europe. If you do – stay on mainstream tourist routes and don’t try to look for adventures. You might find more adventures than you bargained for.
Suggested Actions in Case of Encounter: If he ever touches you – kill the motherf*cker. If you don’t – don’t be surprised if one day you wake up in his torture chamber.
Suggested Killing Techniques: Be creative. Make sure that the bastard feels it. Think about all the innocent victims he tortured to death. Show no mercy. If you are having trouble taking a human life – get in touch with Paxton, he'll have no problem with it.
Additional Character Images:

Movies and Books Featuring the Character:
- Hostel (2005)

Conal Cochran

Name: Conal Cochran
Category: Human, Wizard
Age: Unknown
Origin: Ireland
Habitat: Santa Mira, CA
General Description: A genius of practical jokes and a follower of the ancient Celtic Samhain cult. The brilliant inventor of sticky toilet paper, soft chainsaw, and of course the notorious dead dwarf gag. CEO of Silver Shamrock Novelties and one of the richest people in the country.
Friends, Associates, and Sidekicks: Robotic Silver Shamrock People
Sworn Enemies: Dr. Daniel 'Dan' Challis
Special Powers: Expert knowledge of astrology
Weapons of Choice: Bluestone from Stonehenge. This mysterious stone contains an unexplainable power that can be activated and released by a blinking pumpkin image transmitted via television. Once activated, the Bluestone launches powerful laser-like beams and generates numerous insects and reptiles.
Weaknesses: His flamboyant style of evildoing makes him an inefficient villain. Some of his evil plans are simply too costly, overly elaborate, and can be easily thwarted even by aging medical doctors with an alcohol abuse problem.
Hobbies: Human sacrifice
Pet Peeves: Hates when people break his Robotic Silver Shamrock People, especially the rare collectible ones
Best Lines:
1) A Good magician never explains…
2) Enjoy a “Horrorathon,” Doctor. And don’t forget to watch the big giveaway afterwards.
3) I do love a good joke. And this is the best ever. A joke on the children.
Total Estimated Power Rating: 9
6 Intellect Points + 2 Base Physical Strength Points + 1 Supernatural Power Point for the ability to create insect infested masks
Danger Level: If Conal had unlimited time and resources at his possession, he would be capable of carrying out truly heinous crimes. If the time and resources were limited however, he would be rather useless. For example if you were to hire Mr. Cochrane to kill a kitten in Birmingham, Alabama he would move to China, create a robotic ninja army that would allow him to become a boss of a local Triad mafia, that in turn would allow him to become a very rich man, that in turn would allow him to take control over Chinese pet food manufacture, that in turn would allow him to poison hundreds of tons of pet food, that in turn would kill countless kittens, possibly including the one he was originally hired to dispose of… Clearly, efficiency is not his forte.
Identification: He is usually cruising the streets of Santa Mira, CA in his old limo...
How to Avoid: Do not participate in anything Irish related. That does include Saint Patrick’s day – you never know, it might also be the day of some ancient pagan holiday that usually includes a mass human sacrifice via death by alcohol poisoning.
Suggested Actions in Case of Encounter: Pretend to be a buyer. If he asks for your name – make a dramatic pause and say it’s Smith. Joe Smith. That will fool him.
Suggested Killing Techniques: Creative villains deserve creative deaths. You could turn his own weapons against himself, but that would be too simple. Instead, for example, you could quit your job and go back to school to become a genetic biologist only to feed Conal to a giant Venus Fly Trap or something… Or maybe, just maybe, you could employ your own creativity instead of relying on this guide for once.
Additional Character Images:

Movies and Books Featuring the Character:
- Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)